In an effort to separate true Wisconsinites from the curdless pretenders, state authorities have
announced a new requirement for driver’s license renewal: Know your cheese or get out!
Operation Pasteurized ID will test residents on their ability to identify at least ten cheeses by
taste, sight, and texture.
Lactose-intolerant citizens may apply for an exemption, but must still take the written exam,
which includes questions such as:
“Is Colby a cheese or your nephew?”
“If a wheel of Gouda rolls downhill from Milwaukee at 3 mph, how long before it reaches
Green Bay?”
The test will be administered by the Division of Motor Vehicles, with assistance from the
Master Cheesemaker Program.
Even the good people of Embarrass, Wisconsin, have expressed support for the measure.
“Oh yah, you betcha I can tell my cheeses!” said Gretchen Larsen, while adding another layer
of clothes to push through the ‘nice weather’ in June.
Local historians note that Wisconsin native Ed Gein — a true cheesehead who famously
never left the state — once held strong opinions about what constitutes a good Wisconsin
meal. Unfortunately, The Mendax could not obtain a quote from Mr. Gein, as he remains
deceased.
The state plans to roll out the exam next year, after all test materials have been heated to
161° F for 15 seconds. Residents who fail twice may be temporarily relocated to Illinois for
dairy re-education.
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Disclaimer: The Mendax publishes satirical articles for humor and commentary. None of the
stories should be taken as factual reporting. If you do, that is on you.
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