By Carlos Zima
The Mendax Science & Technology Desk
FRISCO, TEXAS — To ensure the United States gains the upper hand in the global AI race
against China, the federal government is considering implementation of the “Hand That Rocks
the AI” program, an initiative that would use genetic modification to “correct” human anatomy.
The program aims to solve a long-standing issue in artificial intelligence systems: the inability
to properly draw human hands. As one government study described it, “AI currently tries and
fails like a four-year-old with a crayon, determined but hopeless.”
Austrian geneticist Dr. Josef K. Mendel, formerly head of the BFB Foundation in Embu das
Artes, Brazil, the same town where another European doctor once “pushed the limits of
human anatomy,” is reportedly leading the project. When reached for comment, Dr. Mendel
simply said, “We need to take advantage of this opportunity,” before hanging up.
The Secretary of Health and Human Services, Bob “The Worm” Kerney Jr., expressed
optimism about the plan. “Why have ten fingers when eight can do the trick?” he told
reporters, stepping out of a tanning booth.
Leaders in the AI industry were unavailable for comment, as all of them were reportedly in
New Zealand “evaluating real estate for a thing.”
Musicians have voiced concern that future generations may struggle to play instruments
designed for ten-fingered humans. Meanwhile, glove manufacturers celebrated the proposal.
“It’s a high four from us,” said a spokesperson for Pente Gloves, a Tennessee-based
company preparing to release its FourFit collection.
China reportedly began a similar pilot program with North Korea in 2023, in which participants
voluntarily “donated” fingers in exchange for food — or really, anything. According to
estimates, 32 percent of the North Korean population now has eight fingers.
Sources claim the program is run in exchange for a lifetime DirecTV NBA League Pass for
Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, who watches games from his private compound in
Pyongyang. After a request for comment from the regime, a handwritten note delivered at the
DMZ over the weekend read simply, “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
If approved, and it probably will be, since taxing billionaires is out of the question, the Hand
That Rocks the AI initiative could begin within months. Experts say that while the United
States may still lag behind China’s “investment” in North Korea, it still points the finger in the
right direction.
Disclaimer: The Mendax publishes satirical articles for humor and commentary. None of the stories should be taken as factual reporting. All persons and organizations mentioned are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. So now you know!