By Kenneth Mori
The Mendax National Security Desk
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to combat the presence of strange creatures, including
Pokémon, during ongoing ICE raids in Portland, Oregon, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem and
Nintendo have reached an agreement to address what officials describe as an
“unprecedented biological and cultural threat.”
The partnership comes after a DHS recruitment video, which used the slogan “Gotta Catch
‘Em All” without authorization, sparked a legal skirmish with Nintendo. The solution? A
stunning new joint initiative dubbed Freedom Balls™.
Following weeks of protests initially led by humans, witnesses report that strange creatures
have begun to gather around ICE facilities. Some agents, many of whom had rarely left their
homes before joining the agency, reportedly recognized the creatures from their old video
games.
Nintendo operates a secret R&D; installation in Okinawa where, among other projects, it
assembles real Poké Balls for certified Pokémon Masters. Conveniently located near
Futenma Air Station — famously one of the safest U.S. military bases in the world — the site
was chosen for its variety of terrain: urban, forest, and coastal environments.
The urban setting, officials say, will expose ICE agents to “unknown languages and unfamiliar
humanoid forms,” including what they describe as “the rarest shiny Pokémon on Earth.”
In addition to Poké Ball operation training, ICE agents will study under Kijimunn Chibana, a
107-year-old fisherman believed to be the inspiration for Ash Ketchum. Living near the
Yanbaru forest, Chibana is said to have “unparalleled mastery over both water- and
grass-type Pokémon.”
DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, a self-described animal welfare advocate, praised the initiative:
“We will treat these mysterious creatures with the respect and compassion they deserve,
relocating them to a safe, unnamed Central African country where they can thrive,” Noem
stated. “It’s a model of humane enforcement we are proud to pioneer.”
Nintendo officials expressed skepticism about the program’s success, noting that DHS
personnel “appear to be confusing video games with reality.”
“It’s helpful that many of the younger agents understand Pokémon mechanics,” said one
spokesperson, “but pressing buttons on a controller is not the same as facing a real, angry
Pokémon in the field.”
DHS stated that re-training will begin once the program moves to Chicago, where “psychic-
and electric-type Pokémon” are reportedly more common. In Portland, agents primarily face
“water- and grass-type Pokémon.”
At press time, a group of confused ICE agents had arrived in Okinawa for uniform fittings.
Some agents have been spotted around the city grinding for XP.
Disclaimer: The Mendax publishes satirical articles for humor and commentary. None of the
stories should be taken as factual reporting. If you do, that is on you
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