By Curt Unloader
The Mendax Entertainment Desk
BURBANK, CA — Following years of escalating CGI costs and complaints from VFX artists
about impossible deadlines, Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige announced an
unconventional casting solution: Barbatos, Head Demon of the Entertainment Hell
Department, will play Ghost Rider in the studio’s upcoming film using actual hellfire
instead of computer-generated eƯects.
The arrangement, finalized during Feige’s monthly coven meeting at the Chateau Marmont,
saves Marvel an estimated $47 million per project and confirms long-standing Hollywood
rumors about who really stands behind the industry’s biggest successes.
“Barty approached me with a pitch,” Feige explained in a statement. “Real flames,
authentic screams of the damned, no post-production. I said yes before he finished his
sentence. Do you know what ILM charges per frame?”
The casting decision followed a particularly contentious quarterly earnings call that
devolved into shouting about VFX budget overruns. According to witnesses, Feige abruptly
stood, raised his left hand, pointed at the ground, and began chanting in what linguistics
experts later identified as “probably Sumerian, possibly Enochian.”
The other executives—recognizing the chant from previous Hollywood meetings—
immediately formed a circle around Feige and began swaying rhythmically. Minutes later,
the group unanimously agreed to continue the discussion “somewhere with better
acoustics.”
Hours later, under cover of darkness, the executives arrived at an undisclosed Burbank
location in unmarked black vans. The stench of sulfur hung heavy in the air, prompting
several neighbors to call the fire department.
“We’re used to it,” one neighbor told responding firefighters. “Happens every quarter. Plus,
we’ve seen Margot Robbie going in there, so we don’t ask questions.”
Inside, a long staircase descended into what building permits listed as “a standard
basement for storage” but what witnesses described as “extremely non-standard, lots of
candles, concerning geometric symbols, honestly pretty good mood lighting though.”
At the bottom of the stairs, Feige and approximately twenty Disney and Marvel executives
re-summoned Barbatos—he had vanished from the original meeting, as demons
apparently don’t do traffic.
“Barty’s been in the industry since the silent film era,” explained one executive who
requested anonymity. “He’s traded souls with everyone from Louis B. Mayer to Harvey
Weinstein. He’s been angling for an on-screen role for decades, but most directors thought
he was ‘too method.'”
Industry insiders confirmed Barbatos has been represented by CAA since 1952 and
maintains a production deal with Netflix, though “nothing has gone into development yet.”
In a press release issued through his publicist—who is also a demon, though from Hell’s
Legal Department—Barbatos confirmed he’s committed to method acting and will remain
in character throughout production.
“I’m going full Jared Leto on this,” Barbatos said during a Zoom press conference, his
flaming skull somehow working with the ring light. “I’ve already set two PAs on fire. One
intentionally, one by accident. That’s range.”
Marvel has hired Nicolas Cage, who played Ghost Rider in two previous films, as a
consultant to help Barbatos “understand the emotional complexity of a demon biker with a
flaming skull.”
Cage was reportedly paid $3 million for four hours of work, during which he told Barbatos to
“just channel the chaos, man. The skull is you. You are the skull. There is no skull.” Barbatos
later told colleagues he found the advice “deeply unhelpful but somehow inspiring.”
The studio has also retained motivational speaker Tony Robbins to help Barbatos “optimize
his corporeal manifestation” and “unleash his inner demon—which, technically, is his
outer demon.” Robbins declined to comment but was photographed leaving the Marvel
campus carrying what witnesses described as “an alarming number of signed contracts in
ornate leather binders.”
The Visual EƯects Society released a statement condemning the arrangement: “Marvel has
found yet another way to eliminate jobs—this time by outsourcing to literal hell. We’ve been
underpaid and overworked for years, but being replaced by actual demons feels like a
bridge too far. Or maybe not far enough? Geography gets confusing when inter-dimensional
portals are involved.”
Following Marvel’s announcement, Warner Brothers confirmed they’re “in exploratory talks
with several infernal entities” for their Justice League Dark project, while a Sony Pictures
executive was reportedly seen at a crossroads in Georgia at midnight with Robert Johnson’s
guitar and a stack of contracts.
At press time, Barbatos, known as “Barty” to crew members who have warmed to him—has
filed a discrimination complaint with SAG-AFTRA, citing “a hostile work environment” after
several cast and crew members began wearing crucifixes, reeking of garlic, and carrying
small bottles of holy water.
“These people don’t even know basic demonology,” Barty said in a statement. “They can’t
differentiate a ghoul from a vampire, let alone understand what makes a demon tick. The
garlic does nothing—I’m not a vampire. And half these crucifixes are upside-down, which is
actually a compliment in my culture. This is textbook harassment, and I’m filing a formal
complaint with HR. Again. I filed three last week about the catering.”
Disclaimer: The Mendax publishes satirical articles for humor and commentary. None of
the stories should be taken as factual reporting. If you do, that’s up to you.
