By Curt Unloader
The Mendax Culture & Entertainment Desk
PHOENIX, AZ — To counter what they call the ‘woke NFL’ and that ‘South of the Border boy
Bad Bunny,’ Turning Point USA announced their own homegrown ‘Halftime Show to Make
Football Great Again,’ with Creed as the headliner, but they mistakenly booked Creed
Bratton from The Office.
Upset, as they always are at everything, and after finishing a fiery rally outside Scottsdale, Arizona, where what was clearly a piñata representing Antifa was burned, a TPUSA spokeswoman insisted otherwise: ‘First of all, and to be very clear, it was not a piñata,’ she said, shuddering when the word began to form in her mouth, ‘but an effigy of the violent left that has plagued this God-loving country for decades.’ She proudly added, ‘This effigy was made by a 100% American company based out of East LA.’
The spokeswoman continued, ‘We speak English in this country, and to advance the values of
the people who pay the bills around here, we’re ecstatic to announce a proper American
version of what the Bible clearly describes as a Super Bowl halftime show, and Creed will
be headlining this great event.’
That was last week. Now the top brass, as they like to call themselves, military-style, were reportedly stunned when a man in his eighties arrived at their Phoenix headquarters dragging an old guitar and several vinyl records.
According to sources, TPUSA event coordinators searched “Creed Christian American values” and clicked the first result, leading them to book an 81-year-old sitcom actor instead of the post-grunge band fronted by Scott Stapp.
‘Hello, I’m Creed. Creed Bratton,’ he said to a TPUSA receptionist, who later described the
delivery as ‘like a James Bond audition for a very absurd movie.’ Bratton immediately asked
about his fee, then interrupted the TPUSA representative mid-sentence and said, ‘Never
mind, I’ve done a lot more for less.’
Bratton, who was the lead guitarist for 1960s psychedelic rock band The Grass Roots, appeared confused about why he’d been contacted for a Christian rock event.
A correspondent from The Mendax eventually found Bratton, who has no permanent
residence, email, or cellphone, living in a utopian commune in rural Pennsylvania.
When asked about his upcoming performance, Bratton said, ‘This is how things always work
out for me,’ while waiting in line at a soup kitchen for his only meal of the day. He explained that ‘a man showed up one day with a contract,’ which he signed immediately. The details escaped him:
‘Something about football, Christians… this is right up my alley, cults and all. It feels
familiar. I’ll be returning to my roots, where I can smell the grass,’ he added, while preparing
scuba gear for an expedition into what he called ‘the deep sea of Central Pennsylvania,’ later
revealed to be the Allegheny River. When informed that the Allegheny isn’t deep enough for
scuba diving, Bratton smiled cryptically and said, ‘That’s what they want you to think.’
Producers of The Office issued a brief statement asking fans to stop calling for comment:
‘We’re not for or against Creed Bratton, either the real one or the character. We honestly
can’t tell the difference anymore. He exists in the ether and beyond our control.’
TPUSA says it plans to re-book Bratton for future events after learning that he can play the
guitar, ‘unless the band Creed wants to open for him.’
Disclaimer: The Mendax publishes satirical articles for humor and commentary. None of the stories should be taken as factual reporting.
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