WASHINGTON, D.C. — As school grades continue to fall nationwide, an unexpected strategy
has been unveiled in Washington. The plan, called the “Shapes You Can Eat Nutrition Act,”
has the MAGA faithful excited. “We can learn and eat at the same time,” said one supporter.
“The more we eat, the more we learn.”
Beloved Doritos will soon become Triangles® as HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and
Secretary of Education Linda McMahon team up to improve both education and public health.
The regulation mandates that every bag of chips display a diagram of its corresponding shape
and list at least one math fact. Frito-Lay confirmed that Doritos bags will include a triangle’s
perimeter formula, while Lay’s chips will feature the area of a circle.
“I’m not an educator,” said McMahon, “but I know Doritos, and they are indeed triangles.”
“We need to stop listening to the experts,” added Kennedy Jr. “We will get America in
shapes.”
Even with the high sodium content, officials say the shapes of America’s children will improve,
bag by bag.
Early pilot programs in Texas report promising results. Teachers say students can now
identify scalene triangles, though many still struggle with fractions and emotional eating.
Critics of the administration, including several snack companies, have voiced concern about
the mandate. “The President wants to shove geometry down our throats,” said political
commentator Charles Gauss. “Sodium levels will rise hand in hand with shape awareness,”
warned Dr. Mejia, a leading expert on ODC.
For now, the administration remains confident that America’s children will finally learn
geometry, one salty triangle at a time.
Disclaimer: The Mendax publishes satirical articles for humor and commentary. None of the
stories should be taken as factual reporting. If you do, that is on you.
DORITOS TO TRIANGLES! TRUMP TO MANDATE LAY’S RENAME TO HELP IMPROVE GEOMETRY GRADES IN SCHOOL — MORE SNACKS TO FOLLOW!
